Sweetest Fear
Several years ago I found myself busier than I ever remember being! My daughter had chosen an expensive university to attend, so I did everything I could to lighten the load of the loans. I worked full time as a substitute teacher in special education and music. I had a full load of private voice students with a waiting list to boot. I had a church job as a staff singer and I was the vocal coach and soloist for The Seattle Choral Company. I was an active recitalist. In addition, my younger son, who needed significant support, was still at home. Needless to say, if something came up last minute, I cringed at my inability to be flexible with my schedule.
The Seattle Choral Company is the Carmina Burana chorus in The Northwest. When I arrived in Seattle in 2000, they had an annual history of performing it with The Pacific Northwest Ballet or as a concert. Even though I was hired as the regular soloist, they always hired another lovely soprano for Carmina who had sung with them for years before my arrival. She executed the high D of Dulcissime (sweetest) and the approach to it, with utter ease and agility. So every year that we performed it, I was able to sit back and enjoy my part as a choral singer and coach. I rarely visited my own high D and it wasn’t a D for public consumption!
Meanwhile, I took part in several workshops on body mapping, a term coined by Alexander Technique teachers William and Barbara Conable. Body mapping is a process by which the student applies their understanding of their anatomy in a constructive way to enable freer movement. Our instructor, Cynthia McGladery, a singer and voice teacher herself, gave a perception changing demonstration. She sang and held a single note, then pointed to areas of her body, mostly her legs, that she would tighten, then release. The sound was so drastically different when she released, that I was certain she was manipulating the sound to prove a point…until I tried it. I had never even noticed that clenching my legs was such a strong habit! I was so excited that I started taking Alexander Technique lessons myself.
Fast forward a few months. It was The Seattle Choral Company’s 25th anniversary concert at Benaroya Hall with full orchestra. It was to be a review of The SCC’s best works over the years, so of course it had to include a cut from Carmina. One week before the performance, the conductor came to me and said, “Of course you will do the Dulcissime right?” Always the people pleaser, I gulped and felt the bottom drop out of my breath as I smiled and nodded, “Yes.” I wasn’t sure I could do it! I went home and stretched my vocal folds by sliding up and down my register, lightly singing staccato arpeggios while inviting in more falsetto to access my whistle register. By day five, I was able to nail the high D every time, but I was terrified!! Every time I would think of singing it in public, I clenched. Then I remembered-let go of my legs. It was like magic! The high D just lilted into its happy place and all was well.
Then came the performance. The finale of the concert was Dulcissme leading into the famous choruses Ave Formosissima and the reprise of O Fortuna. I had the best gown ever and was feeling lovely and ready! However, I had to sing the rest of the preceding program with the chorus. I was using my “choral voice” for 90 minutes and my legs were tired. My heart started pounding fast as the conductor gestured for me to come downstage. But halfway there, I stopped behind the second violins as an official came to the stage with a surprise presentation to our conductor, celebrating 25 years of music making in Seattle. The official talked. The conductor talked. Hands were shaken and roaring applause followed. I was ready to go, then had to wait in silence at the edge of the stage behind my mask of looking poised and delighted, while feeling terror inside. I had the panic that many singers have after sitting on stage a long time, “Am I still warmed up?” I had lost the pitch that I was saving in my head from the last chorus. How was I going to get it? Then I walked to the front and took my position. I don’t remember how I got the pitch. I scanned the audience, looked to the top balcony and it hit me! Let go of your legs!! As I did, my voice soared. it was as if my body was singing me. I felt a freedom and an excitement that I didn’t expect and “Dulcissime” was indeed sweet!
Little did I know, this was my first “Yes plan” as AT teacher Cathy Madden calls it. (Look for a future blog post on creating your own yes plan.) I could say, “Yes, do this!” instead of “No don’t tighten!”
What can you say yes to?